I was just wearing my whole life. My mom tells me I was even a troubled kid. It's not always easy to spot. When people meet me for the first time and I tell them that I am a man of concern, they are often surprised. They say I look "calm and collected." In fact, I'm the exact opposite. My brain is a mess
For anyone who really doesn't understand the anxiety, let me break it for you. I'm worried about everything. It's all legit. If I have something to do the next day out of the ordinary, no matter how bad it might be, I'm worried something's going wrong. What do you have? No idea. But something bad is going to happen, and everything will fall apart, and my life will end. It's my mental process. A funny right? I think so, too. But right now, it's something I can't control. In addition, my brain flew a million miles an hour. When I'm awake, like when I'm sleeping. It will remind me of everything in my life-the past, the present and the future
It's as tiring as it sounds. Sometimes I have to physically take my jaw and remind myself to breathe. Sometimes I have panic attacks in the middle of the night for absolutely no reason. Sometimes I think my brain exploits my ears
"During my last semester of college, I would sometimes go for two or three nights without sleep."
In fact, things got bad in college. It was the first time I really cared about school and wanted to do well. I've been thinking about my classes all the time and how I could be better. I've always wanted to be busy. I signed up for extracurricular activities and worked at any time when I was away. I was under stress. Last semester, I'd go two or three nights without sleep
Not by choice, but because my brain won't work. I thought I was laughing at myself, for I was in bed, exhausted, unable to find a moment of creamer eyes. I thought what the hell was wrong with me, but I felt comfortable knowing that in a few months I'd be graduating. In a few months, I can get a job, earn money, settle in the real world and get rid of stress
Or not. Rewind a little more than a year, until the night of June 2015. I'm sitting on the kitchen floor at 4:00 in the morning, uncontrollating
" It takes me about 30 minutes to calm down enough to sprinkle the water on my face and get back to bed. The next day I wake up with a signal about the recent panic attack ... "
I'm not sure why I'm so upset, but I can't relax. I'm having trouble breathing, and my whole body is shaking. I need about 30 minutes to calm down enough to get water on my face and get back to bed. The next day, I wake up with a tell-tale of the recent panic attack, the little red dots around my eyes
That, I just found out, broke the blood vessels. Last few days, they're not very pretty. No, I'm not better off the prom. I've gotten worse. The real world was quickly more intense than I had anticipated. I worked with unaccustomed working hours, broke, and with a terrible relationship. This whole adult life of me is a total fuck-up
This night in June was the beginning of the worst months of my life. I was worried not only because of the unpeace, but was also gravely wounded in the unexpected wave
I spent most of the summer in bed for a few days, forcing me to sleep until I was unmaddled. I don't have an appetite. I didn' t even want to drink water. All I wanted to do was hide under my cover and have absolutely nothing to do with the world. Simply put, I didn' t want to exist. I often wake up in full panic mode, wondering, "Is that all there is in life?"-probably the worst thing I've ever thought. I became annoyated and asked myself why I liked it at all. I sent a few blue indictments to several people, demanded to know why they were playing me, which never happened
It was not long before I began to notice how it all affected my physical health. I started losing weight, something I can't afford. If anything, I need to get a weight. It's the first time I've done an acne in 10 years. That's great
During my routine check, my doctor asked me why I lost weight. I shrug and said I don't know. She didn' t buy it. She already knew a little about the anxiety I had in college. She might also say something was from my low blood pressure. That same day, I stayed with the referrer for a psychiatrist
"I made an effort to better feed, get more exercise and a few minutes a day to clear my mind."
I know it's a lot easier said than done, but finally, talking to someone about what happened in my head is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I've spent the last few months focusing on health, mental and physical. I made an effort to get better food, get more exercise and a few minutes a day to clear my mind. Meditation is a skill that I'm not perfect, but it does work wonders. I am also trying to be more good to myself, reminding myself of what I have achieved, and all my friends and family have for me. In addition to all of this, I do
Recently, one of my friends told me, " I don't understand. You're young, you live in a big city, with amazing work. Why are you so unhappy? "
Honestly, I don't know. He doesn't
This is an incredible time for people suffering from mental illness. Efforts are being made in the world to better understand how and why our minds can be included. They're finally talking about it. This is so important now that this dialogue is open. Join us if you don't yet
I'm getting better, but I don't think I'll ever be completely cured of anxiety and depression. It's just who I am. I need to accept and learn to work with them. I still have days when I don't want to get out of bed. I still have panic attacks. But we know it's gonna be better to get me through this. She remembers all the little things that make me happy. This is a recognition of the fact that the days will be good, but we also remember that they will be good. Great, even
* Views expressed in respect of the author, and not necessarily for the "Student life" or their partners
Claire is a journalist in Toronto. She likes documentarian movies, dry humour and vegetarian lasagna. She's still trying to figure out what she wants when she grows up